Excerpt from my journal

8/10/2003 11:47:39 AM
I had what I can only describe as panic sleep. I would drop off, and in a panic rise again to a fear of something, while being drenched in sweat. Eventually I had to take a sleeping pill to get to sleep. I continue to ask myself “Why am I so anxious all the time? Why do I experience palpitations and why do I feel distraught over little things?"

I have this secret fear of losing my mind like Ernie did towards the end where all he wanted to do was extract revenge on Bob for being unfaithful. He was downright nasty and vengeful. Bob and I have discussed why he was like that at the end. We thought the HIV had finally affected his brain where it made him downright nasty .A conniving vengeful person. Although I really didn’t know him that well before, he may have been that way any way and I just saw that side of him towards the end.


I am also tense about this appeals letter that Nelson is helping me with. Are we going to make the August 22nd deadline? There’s only 10 days left and I’m starting to freak out.
Although if I didn’t pass the math final there would be no point in appealing because I would have not achieved the minimum requirements to receive a Pell Grant, which is maintain a “C” in all my classes.

It’s no wonder I feel pressured.
Nelson continues to sleep away as I worry.

Dr. Atterman wants me to see a psychiatrist for my panic problem. He doesn’t think my symptoms are psychosomatic but thinks I may be having medication reactions or I have a low grade infection since I when I have the hot and cold flashes I have taken my temp during the hot flashes and have been 2 degrees above normal. I wonder if I have another urinary track infection.

My tendons continue to hurt… I didn’t know my tendons could hurt. It’s so weird to always be in pain. I have to make an extra conscious effort not to go off on family members.