I haven't posted in awhile, five years have gone by. how did that happen?
It's time to start again. So many things have happened since my last blog. Friends have died, boyfriends/partners have changed, living situations have changed. I thought I was on the right path, but it turns out I wasn't. I was sucked into the seduction of being a pornographic actor and all that entails. I finally came to my senses and stopped, and life fell into place, but I had to make the first move.
I'm still 12 credit hours away from that AA degree. As I get older I have questioned the risk/ benefit ratio of attaining that goal. the government won't let me work, If i do I will be penalized and my insurance will be taken away from me. It's a catch 22, same old story.

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Schell, had a sign next to the clock in our classroom that said "Time Passes- Will You?"
I was always afraid that I would fail or be held back... And had dreams to back up those feelings. Fortunately, I managed to persist and now I am 12 credits away form an AA degree.
I am now taking a Psychology class and am delighted with the content. We are discussing relevant issues like Stress Management. It's another online class, which I prefer.
This will be my second attempt at General Psychology. I tried to take it 20 years ago but had to drop all classes when my fathers death and a relationship breakup left me am emotional mess. I'm kind of glad I am taking it now. At that time that class was just a rendering of facts that what was thought was true at that time and dated. This class will actually help me to be a better person and teach me how to deal with the people around me in a positive manner. I am excited.

Ready to begin again. I can't believe I haven't written anything in almost a year. After all the horror of 4 hurricanes, being diagnosed with Avascular Necrosis in my right hip, my elderly mother's death from 4th stage cancer and a lucky break (literally a broken sternum) for my faux mother in law when she totalled her Cadillac at a busy intersection, I am ready to begin school again. I took the semester off because of all the trauma I suffered from these events starting in August. What I thought would be a quiet 2 week break in between semesters turned out to be a 6 month sabbatical.
This term I'm taking on a Freshman Composition 2 class. I've been putting it off because secretly I fear writing. But, as you know, the more you practice something, the better you get at it...hence one of the reasons for blogging.
Plus it's an online class. I don't have to drag myself on campus especially on those days when my body won't let me go 10 feet from my bathroom door. Isn't technology wonderful?

Finally got my grade back after a week of holding my breath. I got an "A". Man - Why do I put myself through these things? I never know what grade I'm going to get until the very end. There have been times when I have been almost certain I would be at least passing a class when BAM! I get the rug pulled out from under me. I just goes to show you that you can't take anything for granted.
Now I'm enthralled in an introductory sociology class. It's an Internet class so I don't ever really meet the professor or the other students physically. But I do interact with them using e-mail and a message forum. I'm curious how we are all going to interact with each other.
I recieved some good news this past week, My financial aid appeal was approved. My financial aid had been denied because I had attempted too many credits without acually getting and AA degree. I was up to 99 credits attempted. You only need 60 to get an AA.

This waiting is killing me. I’m waiting to get my final test results for college algebra. I just want a “C” so I can go on to the next math class which is statistics. Math has never been easy for me. I’ve always had to work very hard to get through algebra. As a matter of fact I have been tortured with this algebra class for 22 years. The first few years I took it I didn’t get it at all. Then I made a few feeble attempts just to try again. The last couple of years I decided I needed to do this just to prove to myself that I could do it. First I took the pre-algebra class for no credit. Then I took the Intermediate pre-algebra class for no credit. Then I took college algebra. I sort of understood it. When it was time to take the final, I froze. I experienced test anxiety. My heart was racing; I could feel my heart thumping in my throat. I was sweaty, I couldn’t think. I had memory loss. I had a complete shutdown. After 4 hours of working on the final, I finally turned it in and I got a grade of 43 on it. I received a “D” in that class. I was so depressed about that for such a long time. I was having side effects from medication and it was messing with my mind. It reminded me of my grade school days when I would flunk a math test and feel like the stupidest person in the world.
I laid low for awhile. I finally adjusted to the medication, and I registered again and got a better tutor. I worked very hard day and night to get through college algebra again with a better grade. I had an “A “ average at the end of the course, I go to take the final which I studied for really hard and then I took the test fairly confident that I would do well. It was the same exact test. I knew how to do most of it. There were a couple of problems that I tried to do but I know I messed up. I reluctantly turned in my test. Then I go home and wait….. And I’m still waiting. I check the web page every hour to see if the instructor has graded the test yet. I sit with baited breath (what does that mean anyway?). Well here it is –I "Asked Jeeves"… Posted by James Briggs on January 18, 2003 at 17:51:35:
In Reply to: Re: Bated breath posted by R. Berg on January 18, 2003 at 17:36:24:
:: Would like to know The meaning of the phrase Waiting with baited breath??
: It's "bated breath." It means waiting while holding your breath; compare the popular saying "Don't hold your breath," used when the wait for something is expected to be long and, more likely, the thing may never come. "Bate" means "to lessen the force of; moderate" and is related to "abate" (American Heritage Dictionary).
This use of 'bated' is about the only example left in the English language; 'abate' is much more common. Both words come from the Old French "abatre", to "beat down" or "fell".
...If I get less than a 70 on the final it doesn’t matter what I got the rest of term, I still get a “D”and I have to take it over again. Waiting, waiting, waiting…still nothing. I guess it’s time to abate.

I dreamt that Nelson and I were in New York on vacation and he was in pain so he couldn’t go out. I went out and saw this performer who was a very beautiful girl or I just met a very beautiful girl. She invited me out for her birthday and I said yes so we go out and were going to different places and she’s so beautiful and we are having such a good time and I get so close to kissing her because she is so attractive.
In the basement were we were staying there were animals like calico cats dogs ands pigs. They all had the same calico pattern on their fur. I accidentally let one dog out of the basement and he ran away and I couldn’t catch him. It was the first time he ever was able to run free and he didn’t know how to at first then he started going faster and then he was happy to get away.

Thought about the first part of the dream: I read several Dan Savage columns dealing with bisexuals yesterday. The pros and cons of being one being in a relationship with a bisexual and why they seem to be not liked by gay men because they are too much trouble to be with, ET. They are outcasts in an outcast society.
My thoughts on that is that we are all to some extent a certain percentage male and female, it’s just that some percentages are larger than others. We’re all basically the same except for one chromosome.
Thought s about the second part of the dream: The animals in the basement signify that we as human beings even though we are different we are all the same. We strive to break out of forced behavior patterns thrust upon us by society as we strive to escape our social prisons.

I had a dream about my favorite Aunt Maryjane. Not so much about her but about pictures of her church and her upcoming funeral. Warren was also in the dream but not as Warren but as the lover of a former boyfriend. It was an odd dream. Wet pictures and wet folded up pieces of paper of days gone by. Having to unfold the wet memorabilia and let it dry, which contained one page take home flyers from my late uncles funeral with the address and picture of the funeral home on colored yellow paper with black ink, like the one page take home paper I used to get from the church as a kid. I suppose the dream was inspired by the call from my brother Ben last night that my favorite aunt was on her deathbed on her 89th birthday. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t correspond more with her over the years, and now that she had a do not resuscitate order since she came down with pneumonia, I was not able to even attend the upcoming funeral, which my brother, who is a catholic priest, is prearranging for her per her request. He called just to let me know what was going on, not with any expectations that I would attend the upcoming funeral due to the cold and wet conditions that exist now in New England. He said he didn’t blame me for not taking the virus infested plane ride at this time of year. He says he always gets a cold when he travels up north at this time of year. It’s funny that the first thing he asked me was what the weather was like in Orlando today. I said it was 82 degrees and getting hot. I just assumed it was summer time up North since it was starting to get hot here again. Funny how my mind went there for a moment, and I forgot I lived in the tropics for a minute. I really haven’t been anywhere since I was in the hospital with pancreatitis Christmas before last, and I haven’t left Orlando since because I wasn’t well enough to travel. I was contemplating going Fort Lauderdale to visit Paul during spring break, but now I’ll feel guilty if I go and I have several doctors’ appointments that I would have had to rearrange.

The parade of strange dreams continues. This time I’m at an unfamiliar gay bar, a nice big bar that is well lit and spacious and new, with no smoke. There is a movie playing and I’m trying to watch it but I can’t get comfortable. I continuously move around the bar because I don’t want to sit next to anyone. As more and more people come into the bar I move more and more. At one point I’m sitting on the beer coolers and the waitress can’t get to them and she has a frown on her face and I ask her if I should move and she hesitates and then says yes. I move some more. I can’t find a seat that I can see and hear comfortably in. I move some more. I’m standing in the back and stay there for 5 minutes when this guy sarcastically makes a comment on how I can’t sit still. After he makes his comment, I fire back in my passive aggressive way that he always sits still. His lover or friend laughs and he doesn’t know if he should take offence and doesn’t know what to say. I then wake up. I feel fine for a second then I feel nauseous as usual. I then go into living room and don’t notice Esther half snoozing in her reading chair. She asks me if I’m ready for our usual lox and eggs Sunday brunch and I say no, not right now but I don’t go into detail. When I’m nauseas just talking about food makes me more nauseas. I decide to eat a package of peanut butter crackers to settle my stomach. Ten minutes later I go to the bathroom and the nausea lifts. Oh happy day! I finally find something that works. Usually I just get more and more nauseas until I get the dry heaves or if I dare to eat lunch I just vomit.
Today I beat the illness (for now). These little victories can be so sweet.